Currently | Summertime Sadness

Well hello there. It's been awhile since I've shared in this space and in the last few days I've really missed doing so. I certainly did not plan on taking a 13 day break from posting here, but it would be silly to not admit that I desperately needed it.

Things have been a little hard for me lately. Not for any big reason, I guess I let a lot of little things get to me and those little things started adding up after awhile. I try not to focus on the negative, I've learned to move past that stuff quickly — keeping my anxiety and depression in check requires that kind of action. It's crazy how small moments of negativity can grow and consume you if you let them.

A certain summertime sadness overcame me recently. Summer often leaves me feeling trapped indoors, lethargic, and anxious. I'm sure it has something to do with the heat and lot to do with my mental state during this season. As a result, I've been really neglecting the creative side of me (and my life). At some point, all that energy I was putting in to feeling bad about myself and my circumstances was so overpowering that there was nothing left to put into creating — and other things of enjoyment. But, I'm now trying to make a real effort to find ways through this summer sadness phenomenon. I'm making time for what I love and treating myself as I deserve.

Scroll down to see some pretty summer inspiration I've collected that represents some of my current thoughts, feelings, and desires.

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top right, clockwise: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

⟶ CURRENTLY ⟵
Eating / lots of fresh fruit and veggies, especially avocado and cucumber.
Drinking / water, always, and a chamomile tea blend before bed.
Wearing / my favorite jeans + chambray + reading glasses.
Listening / to Gayngs on repeat today. Also, Radiation City. Good summer jams.
Podcasting / I've been loving 99% Invisible a lot lately — great stories!
Watching / the final season of House.
Feeling / a little sleepy.
Reading / nothing (I know!), but I'm heading to the library this weekend.
Practicing / patience, persistence, and kindness.
Dreaming / of moving to BC or the Washington coast!
Wanting / some mountain adventures ♥︎
Remembering / our first summer together and trips along the St Joe River.
Wishing / I had the money for more tattoos!
Planning / changes to this blog and ways to pretty up my patio.
Making / a woven wall hanging with pretty vintage yarn.
Working / a lot less than I'd like.
Learning / to take things as they come.
Loving / my little family and our lovely apartment ♥︎



I was going to share a DIY post today, but this seemed a little more fitting for jumping back into the rhythm of posting. And it was a great way to share what I've been up to. 

Inspired by Latrina, Of Trees and Hues.

What summery things have you been enjoying lately?
Any advice on how to enjoy the summer (for someone who considers this the worst time of year)?
xx Emorie

Feeling Defeated

I've started and stopped and deleted and restarted this post several times over the past few days; I've decided to just go with it and have it out there. I try to keep this place positive, creative, fresh, and welcoming but sometimes I am not feeling any of those things. Sometimes I still need an outlet (versus just not posting when I am not feeling it) to organize thoughts and process energy, even if it is negative energy.

Things I've been feeling lately may include but are not limited to: drained, uncertain, afraid, self-doubt, defeated, exhausted, frustrated, worthless, etc. At this point, most of you probably have some idea of my current situation (to some degree). I've been unemployed awhile, and as much I wish I could magically make this blog, my crafts, my designs instantly and successfully into a career, I really need some sort of income. Which is fine, right? You can just go out and get a job, right?

Let me break it down for you. Yes, there are jobs out there — but the pool of candidates is so ridiculously saturated. I know that every time I throw my resume into the ring for a position that I am going up against hundreds of others with a huge range of backgrounds, ages, experiences, qualifications. So many people just want work (don't get me started on how awful the minimum wage is), and are working so hard to hopefully maybe get something. For most jobs I apply for I have to: redo my resume (tailor it specifically for that job posting), write a cover letter, freely give out any additional information, complete ridiculous questionnaires, complete skills tests, and I have even gone so far as creating mock-ups for companies (for a few design related positions I've applied for). Most businesses and companies specifically ask you to not come in to apply — it's all online now. And if you do get an opportunity to peek your head in somewhere, good luck actually getting to speak to the person in-charge of hiring (and if you do, you get maybe 5 minutes). All to never hear anything back.

I feel so defeated. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore; I'm putting so much of myself forward just to never get answers from places — I have to nag and nag to ever get answers. I'm putting so much work into just trying to find any sort of employment that I have no energy left for things I enjoy. I've been having really low moments when all I can tell myself over and over again is that I have to stop thinking that I am ever going to be able to have a career I want. I have to stop believing that people that are hiring give any amount of shit about me. But, these moments can't last long. Because I know if I'm ever going the get a job I have to keep all of this up.

I guess, ultimately I feel frustrated because there is so much I want to do. I want to rebrand and relaunch this blog with more focus. I want to offer design and consultative services to other bloggers. I want to focus on my art and graphic design. I want to finally open my Etsy shop. I want to run my own business. Because I spend so much my energy toward finding a job, I have little time to work on the things I am passionate about, things that could potentially be rather successful and rewarding. I know it all will take time, but right now I don't feel that I'm moving forward at all (or in any direction, for that matter).

How do you keep going when you feel like all the cards are stacked against you? How do you move past feeling defeated?

POSTS THAT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE HELPFUL LATELY:
+ The Truth About Making It
+ On Overcoming Fears
+ Living Your Best Life: Who are you Striving to Be
+ 5 Tips for Evaluating a Business Idea
+ Spring Cleaning Mini Series
+ 41 Happy Things

Hope this week is treating you well.
xx Emorie

30 Days of Truth: Day 3 | Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

Take a deep breath...

^ Looking up on a cloudy day in one of my favorite places in Moscow, Idler's Rest ^

When I was in high school I was stretched thin. I was at school from 6:30 AM to 5:00 PM almost every single day. I took three or four AP classes every year as well as being highly involved in two or three choirs. I was a board member for key club. I was president of my school's seminary. I played varsity lacrosse. I averaged 3-4 hours of sleep every single night and I was exhausted every single day. To top it off, I had few friends and I suffered from anxiety and depression and tried desperately to hide it from everyone. People asked me often why I didn't just quit one of my extracurriculars. I never saw that as an option. I survived.

By the time graduation came, I was so burnt out. That whole time in my life (most of my senior year of HS) is very much a blur to me now that it makes me mad sometimes. My depression was so severe that I felt numb all the time and all the days seemed the same to me. I remember crying during the graduation ceremony, with strangers all around me, not because I was sad it was over or because I was happy to be done but because I didn't feel anything and I was so afraid of what to do now.

College acceptance, the thing I had worked towards so dutifully for four years, was the furthest thing from my mind. Somehow my sister convinced me that I should move to Moscow, Idaho (where she lived) and go to the University of Idaho. Bless her, she was always trying to look out for me. I applied in the middle of July and moved the second week of August. When I was 18, I left home with a brand new bank account with no amount of money in it but promise of student loans due to a last minute decision to move north for school. I don't know what made me decide such a rash decision was a good idea. More than anything I think I wanted a way out and a clean slate.

^ The fist pictures I took at U of I, with my mom (left) and sister (right), 2009. ^

But I was naive and unaware of a lot of what being on my own would mean. I tried to learn as I went along. And I thought I did a pretty good job. I was proud of myself for being able to manage a tight budget with no previous experience. I didn't live on campus, which was another mistake, as it allowed me to continue to alienate and isolate myself.  But I loved Moscow and explored it often on my own. I hated my classes. I tried really really hard to be happy.

My biggest mistake was believing that I could move somewhere and leave all of my problems behind. Depression tagged right along with me. Sitting through boring, monotonous low level lectures, which did nothing for me intellectually, became increasingly more difficult to wake up for. I always did the assignments/homework, staying up all night to do so, just as I had learned to do. But it would take hours of working up confidence to go to campus to turn it in; sometimes I couldn't find the strength to do that. I ignored worried emails from professors. I ignored phone calls from everyone. I knew I had people who cared about me but I couldn't be honest about what I was going through and I couldn't bring myself to give half-assed excuses. I was embarrassed.

That should have been a sign to get help or make a change, but depression rarely works that way. Things only got worse for me for quite awhile. Things spiraled downward very quickly. I lived in Moscow for three, almost four years but I only like to remember the last one. I won't go into detail about everything I went through for it is far too personal and something I am not yet willing to share publicly. It is always difficult for me to talk about; I feel very vulnerable when doing so. I hope sharing at least this much helps you gain some insight into what I went through.

I have a lot to forgive myself for. I need to forgive myself for stretching myself so thin. I need to forgive myself for being so demanding of my accomplishments and my time. I need to forgive myself for not being comfortable enough to allow for failure. I need to forgive myself for not making all the right decisions. I need to forgive myself for failing. I need to forgive myself for not being perfect, for being my biggest critic. I need to forgive myself for not allowing myself to be a human being, full of faults. I need to forgive myself for all the days I lost. I need to forgive myself for the bad things I told myself. I need to forgive myself for the wounds. And I still need to heal.

If you suffer from depression or anxiety, please know that there are people that care about you. Know that I understand that you may not want to hear that. I have been there. Sometimes I fall back there. I am always available to talk via email (which can be found on my contact page).

See my previous answers for 30 Days of Truth here, and the original prompts from lovely Amber here.