Snippets: Valentines and Stress

Life lately, according to iPhone pictures:
1. a couple of the valentines treats from my mom |  2. my favorite cuties, snuggling | 3. homemade heart-shaped kale pizza for dinner on Valentines Day | 4. pizza is love | 5. this place may be our backyard soon | 6. pretty sunset the other night | 7. we've had spring like weather lately; Pippin loves it and riding with the windows down | 8. a Pippin panic while Will filled up gas | 9. .... continued

The last couple of weeks have been a huge blur. There are a lot of transitions happening at once and it is all rather intimidating. We are going to be taking a few risks, because we have confidence they will be worth it, but that means my anxiety and stress has been at an all time high for a countless number of days. It is strange, when we come to points like this in our relationship where we are facing hardships and difficult decisions; they some how always bring us so incredibly close. I think it says a lot that when I'm worried, all I want to do is hold you. So, we had a very low key Valentines Day, in fact we spent all of it at home. We have been nonstop trouble-shooting and problem-solving lately, so we took a day off. We binge-watched a few episodes of the new season of House of Cards and I made us a pizza. It was a great refresh, and a great opportunity to brainstorm even more. I absolutely love simple moments like that, sharing our dreams with each other.

We're going to do great things together, darling. It may take some time, but oh I can feel it.

xx Emorie

Clear Your Mind

The stress level over here lately has been a little unreal. Thing after thing after thing keeps coming up on top of some other things that we were already having to deal with. How is that for vague? I know that these changes, while very stressful (and some of them unwanted), will be worth it in the end. I have complete hope and optimism about the future and where we will be once we make it through this next little while. It's just a bit difficult to remind yourself of these truths while experiencing all the hardship and anxiety. So, we've been taking a lot of walks on the river and in the foothills lately. We ended our day of apartment searching today with a walk around Camel's Back park. And we hit it just as the sun was setting; surely one of the best ways to see this time of day in this city. It almost felt like spring. And, as I looked out at the city skyline and all the way out to the Owyhees in the distance, I was reminded of how lucky I am to call this place home. And to share it with the person I love. And that we'll get through this.

If you've contacted me recently, or I've been promising to email you (sorry Dus!), I am so so sorry. I'm just a little stretched thin. But, I will get back to you!

Trying to think happy thoughts,
xx Emorie

30 Days of Truth: Day 3 | Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

Take a deep breath...

^ Looking up on a cloudy day in one of my favorite places in Moscow, Idler's Rest ^

When I was in high school I was stretched thin. I was at school from 6:30 AM to 5:00 PM almost every single day. I took three or four AP classes every year as well as being highly involved in two or three choirs. I was a board member for key club. I was president of my school's seminary. I played varsity lacrosse. I averaged 3-4 hours of sleep every single night and I was exhausted every single day. To top it off, I had few friends and I suffered from anxiety and depression and tried desperately to hide it from everyone. People asked me often why I didn't just quit one of my extracurriculars. I never saw that as an option. I survived.

By the time graduation came, I was so burnt out. That whole time in my life (most of my senior year of HS) is very much a blur to me now that it makes me mad sometimes. My depression was so severe that I felt numb all the time and all the days seemed the same to me. I remember crying during the graduation ceremony, with strangers all around me, not because I was sad it was over or because I was happy to be done but because I didn't feel anything and I was so afraid of what to do now.

College acceptance, the thing I had worked towards so dutifully for four years, was the furthest thing from my mind. Somehow my sister convinced me that I should move to Moscow, Idaho (where she lived) and go to the University of Idaho. Bless her, she was always trying to look out for me. I applied in the middle of July and moved the second week of August. When I was 18, I left home with a brand new bank account with no amount of money in it but promise of student loans due to a last minute decision to move north for school. I don't know what made me decide such a rash decision was a good idea. More than anything I think I wanted a way out and a clean slate.

^ The fist pictures I took at U of I, with my mom (left) and sister (right), 2009. ^

But I was naive and unaware of a lot of what being on my own would mean. I tried to learn as I went along. And I thought I did a pretty good job. I was proud of myself for being able to manage a tight budget with no previous experience. I didn't live on campus, which was another mistake, as it allowed me to continue to alienate and isolate myself.  But I loved Moscow and explored it often on my own. I hated my classes. I tried really really hard to be happy.

My biggest mistake was believing that I could move somewhere and leave all of my problems behind. Depression tagged right along with me. Sitting through boring, monotonous low level lectures, which did nothing for me intellectually, became increasingly more difficult to wake up for. I always did the assignments/homework, staying up all night to do so, just as I had learned to do. But it would take hours of working up confidence to go to campus to turn it in; sometimes I couldn't find the strength to do that. I ignored worried emails from professors. I ignored phone calls from everyone. I knew I had people who cared about me but I couldn't be honest about what I was going through and I couldn't bring myself to give half-assed excuses. I was embarrassed.

That should have been a sign to get help or make a change, but depression rarely works that way. Things only got worse for me for quite awhile. Things spiraled downward very quickly. I lived in Moscow for three, almost four years but I only like to remember the last one. I won't go into detail about everything I went through for it is far too personal and something I am not yet willing to share publicly. It is always difficult for me to talk about; I feel very vulnerable when doing so. I hope sharing at least this much helps you gain some insight into what I went through.

I have a lot to forgive myself for. I need to forgive myself for stretching myself so thin. I need to forgive myself for being so demanding of my accomplishments and my time. I need to forgive myself for not being comfortable enough to allow for failure. I need to forgive myself for not making all the right decisions. I need to forgive myself for failing. I need to forgive myself for not being perfect, for being my biggest critic. I need to forgive myself for not allowing myself to be a human being, full of faults. I need to forgive myself for all the days I lost. I need to forgive myself for the bad things I told myself. I need to forgive myself for the wounds. And I still need to heal.

If you suffer from depression or anxiety, please know that there are people that care about you. Know that I understand that you may not want to hear that. I have been there. Sometimes I fall back there. I am always available to talk via email (which can be found on my contact page).

See my previous answers for 30 Days of Truth here, and the original prompts from lovely Amber here.

Refreshing Things

The past few days I've been feeling rather gloomy, stressed, and overwhelmed for lots of reasons and for no reason at all. Sometimes, despite my attempts against it, I let these types of moods affect me a little more than I'd like to admit. I am a worrier and I am not as good at simply moving on from things that bother me as others may be. I've certainly been a bit reclusive lately, finding solitude alone inside with my nose in a book. But the lovely day we're having woke me up a bit and I fell as though I instantly snapped back to reality (or my regular self) when the rain began this morning. I'm feeling creative, calm, and refreshed and I thought I'd share a few ideas of what to do if you ever find yourself in a deep gloom and in need of some refreshment.

Refreshing Things

1. Warm showers: Taking a long warm shower, and even sitting down in the shower if you'd like, is a great wakeup. Just closing your eyes and letting them warm water run over you will bring you clarity and new thoughts.  
2. Watching the weather: Granted, this is best on a day like the one I am having. Watching rain is very relaxing. But even if it is sunny and nothing else, sitting near a window while you work will help you stay calm and improve creativity and your mood.
3. Cooking well for yourself: I am guilty of making fast, boring lunches for myself. I usually only put great care into what I am making if someone else is eating with me. Spoil yourself with good food and take your time preparing it. Today I made garlic white cheddar pasta with mushrooms (and zucchini, red onion, artichoke, and tomato) for lunch and it was so refreshing to eat well.
4. Journaling: Write down what is on your mind, what has been stressing you out, what you are worrying about. Putting these things down on paper and then reading them back will give you time to reevaluate and gain perspective on your problems. I always find that things that worry me are far less threatening when listed out. You can tear the piece of paper up, if you're into that sort of thing. 
5. Yoga or meditation: Allow yourself time alone to actively try and relax. When I do yoga I enjoy pushing all other thoughts out and only allowing myself to think about my body and it's movement. It is a great opportunity to remind myself that I am entirely in charge of what thoughts I allow to rule my mind and, although it can be difficult, I can change those hurtful thoughts if I want to. 
6. Putting on something pretty: Get out of those comfy pants you've been wearing the past 3 days (if you've been wearing pants at all) and put on something that makes you feel good about yourself. Unless those comfy pants make you feel good about yourself, then by all means wear them. My go-to is a lace dress. Do your hair and makeup, too, if you're so inclined. Getting ready for the day will encourage productivity.

If all else fails, Bon Iver.

My Struggle with Anxiety

I know things have been quiet over here on my end this week and I apologize. I've being going back and forth with myself about whether or not I want to post this, and maybe that is exactly why I should share it with you. So brace yourself everyone, things are about to get pretty personal.

Anxiety is something I struggle with every single day of my life. But it is definitely something most people don't even know about me. I am an ardent and determined person, yet sensitive and very nervous at times. I am a strange contradiction. To others I may appear confident, for I have strong opinions and views. But in reality I am more of an introspective and often even cynical character.

My anxiety can perhaps be linked to a few causes. For instance, both freedom and security are equally important to me; this is often a conflict in my life and can lead to some indecisiveness. As you know, I am always searching for truths, and instinctively knowing that there is not only one, I am often left frustrated and full of self doubt. I think my anxiety can also be linked to how I was raised. I have two very loving and supportive parents who taught that I could do and be anything I wanted. Which is great, as a child. It allows you to dream and to see the world in all it's beauty and humanity and want to dance in it;  to see the world in all it's nastiness and hate and want to change. But when society, the media, and even people around you tell you that you are not good enough and that you can't make a change it eats at you. I often feel inhibited. I wish I wasn't inhibited by the limitations and capacity of my mind. For I want to know everything. It’s overwhelming; knowing how much I don’t know, knowing how much I’ll never know.

And I don't know why I do this to myself. For the most part I don't know what causes my anxiety. I just get in these ruts, these huge ruts, that are so hard to climb out of. I just sit at the bottom, looking at how great the world is up above. I tell myself I’m not good enough. I tell myself that everything I do is a waste of time because it’s never going to get me anywhere. I tell myself that I’m not worth anyone’s time. That none of my friends really care. And then I let myself be alone. I tell myself that no one wants to spend time with me, but it’s all my fault. I let myself slip away. I just fall farther and farther down in my well. And I get lonely. And I sulk for days. And the littlest things make me cry. And then, I even have the decency to blame it on stupid things, like the weather, or how awful the world is, or how mean someone was to me this one time forever ago. Yes, that is what is making me so vulnerable in this moment. I allow myself to succumb to myself. To this monster inside myself.

img found here. I can not find the original source/artist for this. Please let me know if you know!

Everyday is different when you are living with anxiety. Some days I feel great and confident and ready to face anything that is thrown at me. I may have my reservations and nerves, but I'm not going to let it shake me! And I'm definitely not going to let anyone notice! Some days it’s just really hard to get out of bed. And no matter how hard I try, I just can’t really wake up. Even going out to the mail box seems impossible. And attempts to cheer myself up, like listening to happy songs, just makes my heart hurt. My social anxiety is the worst. I stress about seeing people or talking to people, no matter how nice and casual the conversation. It is irritating and frightening .

For those of you who don't suffer from some form of anxiety, a moment with anxiety may feel something like this:  I’m not numb, I’m the opposite (I've been numb before and I'm glad it's not that). I feel everything. I get so overwhelmed; my body shakes, my stomach turns, my vision blurs, my heart pounds as if wanting to escape. It creeps up on me. It happens everywhere and often; waiting in line at the coffee shop, walking the aisles of the library, riding in the car, laying in bed. I swear I can feel the weight of everyone around me. And if I’m alone, I can feel the weight of the billions of air particles. And it hurts. But I can't stop thinking about it because I don’t think this is normal, whatever this is. I worry about everything. I question everything. Should I? It can’t be ignored; I try. I think too much, too. About everything. Everything. I don’t even know everything. I don’t know anything. I don’t even make sense to myself. I wish I wasn't so shy. I wish I wasn't afraid. I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I could tell people what they mean to me. I wish I could tell people how significant they are. I wish I was happy. I wish I slept normally. I wish was okay with myself, with who I'm trying to be.

I have come to the realization that I can never just ignore this and beat this. It keeps coming back and it always will. Things are good, and then they're not. I can't stay content. I hurt because I know that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. And maybe it sounds silly, but that’s what eats up at me everyday. There is so much wrong in the world; I can’t change that fact. I have been told that when I have these feelings, when I don't want to go on, it is important and probably the most human thing to do, to remind myself over and over that other people feel this way too.

img source

Most importantly I need to remind myself of this:

"The fact that you’re struggling doesn't make you a burden. It doesn't make you unlovable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn't make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren't always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren't all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness." 

- Daniell Koepke

So what do I do? I keep fighting, I suppose, such is life. I have eyes, eyes that see this world and its problems and its filth. And I have a heart, a heart that beats and feels and hurts for everyone that hurts. And I have a mind, a mind that thinks and longs for understanding and learning and truth. Just know that I’m just trying. Because my eyes, they also see blurry. And my heart, sometimes it beats too fast and nervous. And my mind, my mind is a mess. Just know that I want meaning, I want my life to be real, and that I try to be considerate. I need to have more confidence that all my efforts will be worth it in the end. I just want you to know that I will never give up.

Tips and Things You Can Do To Be A Little Happier and Become Anxiety Free:

1. SLEEP REGULARLY: Go to bed early and wake up earlier. Doing so will allow you to get more sleep and having a set schedule will help with anxiety.
2. EAT WHOLE FOOD: Providing your body with whole, healthy food versus processed food will give it the nutrients it needs. An instant mood booster because you'll feel a lot better.
3. EXERCISE: Hello, endorphins. Exercising regularly also helps with keeping a routine and keeping anxiety at bay. Also, getting through tough workouts is a real confidence builder!
4. ORGANIZE: This is a necessity for me. Organization helps keep me on task and I feel much less anxious when things have order.
5. DRINK LOTS OF WATER: Your body will be happy for. You will be happy for it. I have water with me, always.
6. LISTEN TO MUSIC: Obviously. Music can affect your mood drastically so make sure you always are playing some good vibes.
7. READ: Let your mind and thoughts completely escape you for awhile. Dive into a completely different world. Your problems will still be there when you are done reading and I guarantee they won't seem so large anymore.
8. BE PRODUCTIVE OR GET CREATIVE: Spending time accomplishing things or getting creative or solving problems are all great ways to boost your confidence.
9. BE SILLY: It's hard to be sad or worrisome when dancing around the kitchen or playing with your pups on the floor.
10. GO FOR A WALK OR A CASUAL BIKE RIDE: It is a great way to relax and work things out in your head. The fresh air is an extra treat.
11. DON'T WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE: Speak up and do something if you want to do. You'll have a lot less to worry about if you just do it.
12. BE PRESENT: Engage with those around you. Build relationship that truly matter, they will be what saves you if you ever feel like you can't go on.

P.S. My anxiety is also a part of the reason I started Oh Whimsical Me. To prove to myself that I could and that I was good enough. Now you know you'll just have to excuse me on occasion for a few days whenever I misplace my confidence.